banana-haters have feelings too

hrmm... so i guess things are goin' alright. i have a few minutes til i have to leave for babysitting. so i'm back here. i must admit that i am letting myself worry too much. i've always prided myself in being fairly laid back about grades and school. but i guess i'm mostly worried that i won't have time. as long as i study and do my best, then i really don't have to worry. but if i'm not working hard, then that gives me reason to feel uneasy. ultimately, i will find more value in the time i spend at the conference than i would getting a higher grade on my exams. i just need to focus on that. i think i'm more worried about my org. studies application though. i have three days to finish it! aiyah! at least i got a lot of ideas generated yesterday. i'll write a really rough draft tonight, spend some time revising it tomorrow, then really finish it thursday. then turn it in on friday. sound good? i hope that works. i just gotta really manage my time. i think the org. studies app is the most important, cuz one or two exams is not going to kill me. but getting into org studies will impact the rest of my college life. so i really gotta do well on that. last night God reminded me that He's working in my life! it's not just me who has to use my own weak efforts to get things done. what a comfort it is to know that He's at work and He never leaves me. Lord, grant me the wisdom and faith to live for You each day, in everything i do. alright, time to go i think. byee...

posted by Laura @ 2:13 PM 0 comments

it probably would have been too much if i wrote about anything from this past weekend. i went from nervous to happy to tired to depressed... and back. yeah, i dunno what is up with my emotions these days. it's like some kind of mid-life crisis deal, but i'm just 20, not 40! sigh... what is wrong with me?

anyway, emotions aside, this week promises to be busier than ever. just thinking about it stresses me out. i'm using this blog session as a brainstorm time for my org. studies application. today i brought my draft in to sweetland writing center, and it was really helpful, except now i sort of have to start over. it was too unfocused and kind of just... all over the place. what i really need to do is zoom in on one aspect of myself which makes me unique and distinct from other applicants. i decided i would choose my passion for art. but i'm still trying to figure out how to relate that to org. studies. i'm kind of having a writer's block. the woman who helped me today suggested that i do some free writing. i tried doing that on word and it was pretty unsuccessful. so i thought maybe my thoughts might flow a little more freely if i blogged. so here we go.

so let's talk a little bit about my career goals. okay, when i think really hard about what i want to do with my life, i can think of several options. the problem is, i don't know how i will get there. most of them involve art and business in some way. i think some careers i would like to have are:

designing websites: i used to spend a lot of time on this. it's actually fun, although tedious. and i have a lot to learn in this area. this career focuses on organizing space so that it is efficient and effective at communication. it also involves knowing how people will respond to certain stimuli. it's important to understand the organizations you design websites for, to know what will work for them.

interior design: this is something in which i have absolutely no experience. but i do know that you must be incredibly aware of your clients' wishes and needs. good interpersonal skills are vital. this career also encompasses using creative expression to organize a space.

advertising: i also don't know a whole lot about this field. i think this was my initial choice coming into college. that's why i was pre-bus. it's basically knowing how to sell your ideas, using art as a way to communicate and promote products. OS would be useful because advertisors constantly need to be working with different companies. it would be valuable in cooperating with them and negotiating with them. when problems or conflicts arise, a background in OS would aid in understanding how to solve these problems in a practical way.

graphic design: closely related with advertising. this is actually a lot more business-related than any other kind of art. taking the class at occ helped me understand this. i spent so much time on it! the main things i learned in that class was that each piece needs a focal point. somewhere where your audience will automatically see first. this is to grab their attention. i think in working with people, graphic design is a lot like that. when you are in business, you need to show them your focus, your direction. otherwise they will lose interest quickly. kind of like how my personal statement really needs a good focal point. i just need to find one! aiyah!

some specific things i aspire to do:
i've always had the dream of designing greeting cards. it would be like doing something i consider a well-loved hobby, and making money at the same time. in social psych we learned that doing something you like for money makes you like it less. but for some reason, i can't see that with my relationship to art. i don't know. it's just something i have always loved doing. i don't see why i would like it less if i had to do it all the time and for a living. but i guess i can't know for sure.

hmm... what else do i aspire to do? i think ultimately, if i never get to pursue a career in the art field, i'll somehow end up working in business. well, i dunno. i guess when i'm actually honest, i haven't really thought a lot about post-college life. it's hard enough as it is to worry about the present. all the crazy drama going on... but i dunno. i think someone like me needs a job that isn't mundane, that isn't a 9-5 m-f job. something that challenges me and causes me to stay on my toes... alert and ready for something new. something to be creative.

on the other hand, i do enjoy consistency. i think that's why i've been going through this major crisis. things are changing for me. i'm growing up. i have to make decisions that affect my long-term future! like this whole org studies thing. i have to write about my future goals and plans. i can't just be a kid anymore and be carefree and nonchalant about my life. it's serious now. even my relationships with people. i am no longer satisfied by the surfaces of superficiality. i long for deeper and more intimate relationships. that includes the one called "dating". although i know i'm not ready to have a boyfriend, just this year that topic has occurred in more conversations than the past five years it seems. i think we are all growing up, facing the challenges and obstacles that people who are in their 20's have to face. that's just crazy when you think about it. just two and half years ago i was a 17-yr-old high school kid who had no idea what to do with my life and didn't really care. now, i still have no idea, only now, i am forced to care. life isn't slowing down for me. it's getting faster. and that's quite unsettling.

i've digressed. i guess i've been thinking too hard. why do i really want to get into the OS program? ultimately this is the question i need to address. well... okay. let's look at it simply. my interests: art and business. possible majors: art or business. well, neither really seemed broad enough for me. art is too limiting. i wanted a stable education that would allow me to have other opportunities if i so chose to do something else with my life. so org. studies seems to be a pretty useful and practical concentration program, because i can still study more about businesses. but i'll also gain background experience that help me in every day life, wherever i will be. i think this is ideal because at this point in my life, my options seem too numerous to just focus too much in one area like graphic design or art or something. i also think org. studies is really interesting. it's so intriguing to study how groups function and how people are socially influenced. i think part of that is because i am an observer. i watch others and see how they interact.

being an artist kind of relates to that. how? well i guess i wouldn't really consider myself an artist. but as someone who is passionate about art, i take ideas i have about the world, about people, and channel that into a creative organization of space. for example: hmm, i can't seem to come up with an example. i guess the most artsy thing i've done lately is my scrapbook. how does this relate to org. studies? well, although scrapbooking is very much a hobby, the skills i use to make them are also skills i use for web design or graphic design. gathering information together and presenting them on a 2-d space, which people will see. these people will need to understand the main points and main ideas, while also enjoy the presentation because it is pleasing to the eye. i can display this by using concise captions, framing pictures and cropping out unimportant parts. adding small details which are simple yet add a lot to the overall look. org. studies: by gaining a better understanding on what people tend to focus on, how people react to certain images or words, i will be a better artist.

did that make any sense? blehh... i think that's enough idea generation for now. tomorrow i will attempt to type out a draft. but, oy! i have to babysit. i regret saying yes to this extra job because this week will be incredibly busy. i didn't realize it until today. sigh. oh well, too late. and i'm making money, which is very important. oh well. i thought i should stay up later and do more work. but now that it's 12:30something, i'm pretty tired. maybe i'll just do some more reading for english. that's easy enough. hmm... what else did i have to write about? well, i actually flushed out a lot in my diary yesterday so i'm okay for now. so, yeah ... i'm out i guess. ciao!

posted by Laura @ 12:41 AM 0 comments

well, here we are. a few hours and counting til coffeehouse. i think i'm psyching myself out, cuz i'm actually nervous! i usually don't get that nervous when eLLe performs. i guess last year i was kind of nervous after our bad rehearsal. but i think once we get together and pray, God will help us get through it. it sucks that the weather is so bad. blehh... makes things kind of dreary. but no matter, i really feel like God's going to do great things tonight! praying about it at core was really helpful for me, to just get my mindset focused back on God. i think praying in general was helpful for me. like, here i was, all wallowing in my own self-pity. feeling alone and like no one else had problems. how wrong i am! we all carry baggage, we're all burdened and weighed down by various things. God is working through all of us, in our struggles and weaknesses. it was comforting as well as eye-opening to pray for all of my core friends. it's always humbling to see how God is just using them all mightily. makes me feel like i'm not trying hard enough, or doing my part. i'm reminded constantly of the people out there that are lost, that don't have the answer like i do. it's convicting and challenging, yet i know that i will continue to struggle. but praise God, He promises to never leave us.

Lord, grant me the burden and passion for your people, for those who are lost and without hope. Lord, may tonight be a reflection of our love for You and our desire to bring people to know You. We can't do it without You, God. We're weak, we carry baggage, we are in desperate need of Your grace. Praise You, Lord, that Your mercies are new every morning. Thank You for loving us like You do. We don't deserve it. God I justa sk that you would be with eLLe as we sing, as we focus on the words and point people to You. Lord, may our attitudes and voices really shine Your light to the people ni the audience. God, maywe forget about all the other things going on in our hearts, and truly be worshpiping You and carrying out Your work. so often, Lord, we take for granted these opportunities, we don't see them as opportunities but obstacles. so Lord, gifve us peace of mind and unity as we sing. It's all about You, God. may YOu increase as we decrease, and may people be touched by the words we sing, may the words come from You and be pleasing and glorifying to You. We give You praise in advance for the work you will do tonight and from now on, we know you are powerful and sovereign, and we lift up this whole thing to You, just asking for your blessing and your grace. God, may these words not be lip service but truly be from my heart. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

posted by Laura @ 3:50 PM 0 comments

today i watched the 1000th episode of TRL. (cuz nick performed.) can you believe that TRL's been going on for over four years? i like to think of it in terms of the life span of the backstreet boys. not that they're dead, but i think they're definitely on their way. sad to say. but yeah, i remember watching trl even before it was trl! it was just "total REquest". carson and a little computer in a little room, where you had to manually email your requests, and it was only the top five! believe it or not, i watched it back in the day! it was like january or february of 1998, just when the girls and i were beginning our backstreet boys craze. their video for "everybody (backstreet's back)" had just come out and it was on the countdown frequently. some other videos i remember seeing... "weird" by hanson and "all my life" by k-ci and jo-jo. isn't it strange how things change so much? now it's like scantily clad christina aguilera, and ghetto booties everywhere. haha. but anyway, i feel nostalgic about trl, because it was so influential in spurring on this backstreet boys craze. every day you had something to look forward to, to see whether or not they beat nsync for number one. their album releases always guaranteed lots of mtv appearances. those were the days... while i'm at it, let's talk about the videos. it's sad, but i know every single one so well, i was there when it premiered, every single time.

(the dates are the approximate time i first saw the video on tv)

AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME, 12/97
the first video, which wasn't really on trl, but i have to talk about it.
okay, i don't think we can say enough about this video. it's like the pinnacle of everything backstreet. this is when we fell in love. haha... as silly as it sounds. i can still remember it so clearly. joyce petting the tv screen. oh my gosh... i don't think i'll ever get sick of it. the dancing, the "attitude"... the home video. sigh... CLASSIC.

EVERYBODY (backstreet's back), 02/98
i think i watched this video too much back then. i got sick of it for a while. but, what a great dance! learning it was so much fun. it was like fulfilling a dream ... except minus the "with the backstreet boys" part. haha. and howie looked really good in that purple shirt, and that hair. haha... okay sorry to get gushy there. definitely a great party song... will always remind me of that year. oh, and the vampire. sexy eh? haha. jk. i wouldn't mind being bitten...

I'LL NEVER BREAK YOUR HEART, summer 98
i remember when the four of us watched it over and over at this one sleepover. we all got dizzy from the part where it goes from room to room. man, we're dorks. why didn't we just stop? they were wearing too much makeup. and howie spins. the part where aj takes his glasses off... "a little more be -- tter..." haha. my bro and i love that.

ALL I HAVE TO GIVE11/98
oh, it's in the top three. it so is. it could be number one. when the four of us saw it on that little screen after taking a 40 minute nap waiting for it to download... wow. that's when i found out howie had a solo! i was ecstatic. and when they finally premiered it on trl? the four of us were frantically calling each other. it was so funny. we were so mad they cut out the GOOD parts... like the water, the part with the white background... haha. man, this is definitely one of THE best videos ever. just them looking hot... no girls... dancing... a great song... sigh. i love this video.

and then! we had to wait for like half a year! oh but did we know what was in store? if we did we wouldn't have been so impatient, because it was sooo worth it.

I WANT IT THAT WAY05/05/98
what can you say about THE best pop song every written? i think the whole month of may 98 i was just on cloud 9. the boys were everywhere! it was crazy. this video came out in the beginning of may, and it was the first video to reach number 1 more than... i dunno how many times. but it was number one like every day. that's when the whole competition thing started. oh goodness. this video is so classic i don't even know what to say about it. haha. it's just... awesome.

LARGER THAN LIFE09/98
i was quite disappointed with this video. it was too dark and didn't have close-ups of their faces. and, of course that's what matters in a bsb video right? it was highly successful though, it was number one even more than iwitw, i guess it's cuz the boys were soaring high up to the peak of their careers during this time. and simultaneously so was my fan-dom. haha, we were CRAZY. but oh, what a good summer that was. anyway, LTL has perhaps the coolest dance ever. and the boys were rockin' it.

SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY, 12/31/99
they premiered it during the new year's party into the new millennium. this video makes me sad. but it's a great video. the boys hold the song close to their heart, so of course i do too! heehee. this used to be one of my favorite songs, but then it got overplayed. i still like it though. i still don't completely understand the video. but i suppose it's intended to be kind of "deep".

THE ONE spring 2000
i was so elated when this got voted as their new single! this song is like the pinnacle of JOY, as far as backstreet boys songs goes. heehee. i can never listen to this song and NOT be happy. it's just so fun! the video was disappointing though, just a montage of their millennium tour. but i guess it does serve as some great memories from that whole tour. that was definitely the peak of their career. and what an awesome concert that was. sigh...

SHAPE OF MY HEART 09/00
the beginning of the "dark days"... heehee. this song is awesome. it's one of my favorite bsb songs. the video was cool, the only time they ever did a "making the video"... and it was kind of boring. but that's okay. any bsb is good enough for me. this video has the record on trl for the most times at number one EVER! yeah! go backstreet boys! i think it was like 61 out of 65 or something. isn't that CRAZY? us fans are sooo cool. granted, i never did any of the voting. but that's ok. somh reminds me of the very beginning of college. when i discovered that tiffany was a huge fan too! i remember going out in the snow to buy black and blue. then we had a sleepover to listen to it together. heehee... ahh, the memories.

THE CALL 11/00
okay, this is my least favorite video. =( first of all, howie looked like a girl! wahhh... okay i'm over it. 2nd, it was just... well like you only saw them one at a time, so when you watch on trl, sometimes you'd only see aj and brian. or brian and nick. very unsatisfying. haha... yeah, and the video was just really dark.

MORE THAN THAT winter/spring 2001?
ooh, howie looked NICE. heehee. this video was pretty boring, but very nice. hmm... not much to say about the video. oh yes... nick spins. and he holds howie's hand. and kevin plays air guitar when there's no guitar in the song. and the classic brian action... the fist and the closed eyes. so funny... heehee. aj... he was lookin' a little chub. but that's ok. it's weird, i don't seem to have very many memories of this video... it must have been during a time i wasn't with my friends. hmm...

and then... drum roll please...

DROWNING, 09/01
thud. can we say AMAZING? the haircut... oh the haircut! quoting joyce: "laura saw the potential in howie all along!" quoting cassie: "howie looks HOT!" hahaha... okay, i'm over it. this video is SO sophomore fall semester. the formation of the backstreet wives. mrs. carter, mrs. mclean and mrs. dorough. the CONCERT. [heart beats a little faster] wow. okay, and besides that, the song! you can't get any better than this. it's a great song. and a great video. i'm beginning to think the boys were made to just walk around dramatically rather than dancing. heehee.

and that's the end of the trl video history of the backstreet boys. it's been quite a nice four years i must say. the boys have been through a lot. and so have i. and i'll always love them for bringing me through it. [grin].

backstreet boys forever baby! heehee...

posted by Laura @ 11:38 PM 0 comments

you know something is wrong when even the most constant things in your life seem to be having problems.

last night i got to talk to two great friends here and i was so encouraged by them. i realized how hard it is to function without having some people to talk to for real. one can never be reminded enough of God's providence in all things. He knows so much more than we know about ourselves. He gives us more than we even ask for. while things aren't really on the upswing, i am comforted because God IS good, He's never let me down before, why should He start now? why do i always forget that?

prayer is such a good thing. i haven't been praying enough either. i guess it's because i'm searching for some tangible answers. but i don't think God promises that right away. rather, He promises peace if we are willing to trust Him and be patient. to understand that what i'm going through is a part of what He wants for me. i don't understand it, i'm not going to pretend that i like it either. but just knowing that God's plan for me is good and sovereign will hopefully be enough for me.

what's that verse, "my grace is sufficient for you..." ? how true, how true. and how i need God's grace.

i'm worried about friday's coffeehouse. when did it go wrong? must keep praying for my girls. they're so dear to me, and yet i worry so much that it could be easily taken away by things like this. Lord, have grace on my sisters.

nichole nordeman, even then (the rest of the song)

so i put aside the masquerade
and admit that i am not okay
which may not be the thing to say
but i'm not ashamed to need You more each day

we raise the standard, and try to reach You
but we'll never make it, and we don't need to...

so, thank You, Jesus
even when you see us just as we are
fragile and frail and so far
from who we want to be
so, thank You, Jesus
even when the pieces are broken and small
dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
thank You, even then...

posted by Laura @ 4:17 PM 0 comments

hallo. i just got up early to watch nick on regis and kelly. it was okay. he sang kinda flat, and he cut the song short! what a disappointment. ah well. it makes me sad to see him singing and doing interviews by himself. the boys haven't been on tv together in like a year! well, it seems like a year, i don't know how long really. sigh. why can't things just be simple? no problems, just backstreet. haha. i think life during my backstreet boys days will always seem the most simple and carefree. granted, we had our share of problems, but they were so much less complicated than they are now. sigh... those were the days.

not to worry though, i remain a loyal backstreet boys fan always! i think my girls and i will agree on that. :)

k i'm out. class time!

posted by Laura @ 9:54 AM 0 comments

whenever i do read people's blogspots, which is rarely, thank you very much... i get inspired to write in my own, and try to be all profound and introspective. it doesn't work though. there's just something about typing it out that makes it less personal. i started my 17th diary last night. well, i didn't write an entry cuz i was tired. but i like labeled it and all that silly stuff. i think it's silly that i'm already 20 and i'm still so attached to my diary traditions. i wonder if by being so dedicated to writing about my thoughts, i've withdrawn from talking about them openly with people? in any event, i really think it's valuable to keep a record of what was important to me at different parts of my life. it's always so interesting to go back and read my old diaries. things that seemed like such a big deal in hindsight are so incredibly trivial.

i talked to cassie on the phone last night for an hour and a half. usually we spend most of our time filling each other in on our lives. it has to happen like that now. we were talking about why God placed us where we are, her at msu, me at uofm. i used to think the reason for me was to get out of my comfort zone and connect to people that weren't my old friends. and for a while that really was true and God really grew me that way. but i feel like now after two and a half years i'm still asking myself who my friends are here. the people i still have the strongest connection with are my old friends. i guess it's not for me to figure out right away. cassie and i were thinking about what it would be like if she came to uofm. we would have been roommates our freshman year. that's weird to think about. i think back then we definitely wouldn't have been ready to be roommates. we had a lot of personal growth to do on our own. our friendship is much more stable and grounded now than it was two years ago. i guess that's one of the good things that came from each of us going to different schools. our friendship is one that is very hard to come by. i think people don't really realize how tight we really are. i guess that's a good thing. i don't want to be identified as "cassie's best friend"... i think both of us have our own identities and can be our own person but at the same time continue to be close.

anyway, i went to harvest this morning. it was pretty cool. i hadn't gone since one of the first weeks in my freshman year. the message was good. missing some biblical strength, but i think it was something that penetrated to the issues i've been dealing with. the speaker told us that if we trust in Jesus then he has a purpose for our life. it doesn't matter what our career is, who we marry, the important thing is that we live on earth at this very moment because God has a purpose for us. and because of that we should be joyful even when circumstances are difficult. it sounds so simple yet it really is true. i guess lately i've been having a hard time being joyful, feeling kind of sorry for myself and lonely. but it is a comfort to know God has a purpose for me, even if i can't see or feel it now. i think this is a lesson i just need to keep learning. God is so good to remind me all the time. He is so patient. i know i've definitely been suffering in my spiritual growth these days. i know it's due to a lack of a lot of things, lack of discipleship, accountability, good bible study, prayer, pretty much all the fundamentals of a healthy christian lifestyle. it's so obvious why my life seems so meaningless these days.

anyway, my hour-long sabbath has turned into two. i really have to work on my religion paper! aiyah! can't wait til it's done. i doubt it will be very good. but i think at thist point i don't really mind. i guess i should have taken this class pass-fail. but, that's ok. school is school. and the more i think about it the more i feel that God's purpose for me isn't really career/academic-oriented. it's something else. don't know what yet, but it's out there!

alright, time to work.

nichole nordeman, from the woven and spun album
even then

it's a fear that keeps me wide awake
in the middle of the night
when the expectations are too great
and the bar gest raised too high
so i do the best with what i've got
and hope that no one knows
that i strain to see how high i can
try to stand on these toes
until i'm measured, but you know better

so, thank you, Jesus
even when you see us just as we are
fragile and fail and so far
from who we want to be
so, thank you, Jesus
even when the pieces are broken and small
dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
thank you, even then

posted by Laura @ 1:46 PM 0 comments

i'm babysitting now but my kids are napping so i'm online. i'll probably have to leave soon so i'll keep this short. i guess i don't have much to say. i just finished my 16th diary today. i finished it in 50 days! craziness. i guess i have been through a lot in the past seven weeks. the semester is only half way through but God's really been testing me. i think i've been failing too. but i have come to some conclusions. i think it will be nice to feel settled when this semester is over. i think now half way through... there are some things still yet to be worked out. and that makes me uneasy. you know me, i'm a control freak. at times, i guess. sometimes i feel like i really know what's going on but more often than not i just feel lost. as i have been feeling the past couple days. it's not really as bad as i'm making it sound. but inside, it hurts sometimes.

bleh. okay new topic. what else can i write about? last night we had our first wow/msg meetings. wow went really well! even though i didn't share at all, it was good to listen to my sisters. it was a stark reminder of what our calling is on earth, how incredibly temporary all of this really is. the more i think about my "vocation" or my "calling", the more i just cannot picture myself in that whirlwind of trying to climb the success ladder and working myself to death. that's just not me at all. when it comes down to it, i try to think of what truly would make me happy. and also what would bring God the most glory. the two things i think of are missions and art. yeah, missions is a new one. well, i dunno on what level. but i know that missions fulfills me, makes me happy, and more importantly, honors God. art makes me happy and fulfills me. i think there are ways i could use it to honor God too. so, what the heck am i doing in school? God knows if i will ever use any of this stuff again. i guess i need to keep searching for why God has put me here, because it is pretty clear that it's not academic. well, at least it's not THE most important reason. i just wish there was something i could do to pursue art without feeling like i'm letting people down, or without feeling like i'm throwing a lot away. it's really hard. it is. it's something to pray about.

i had a good talk with a friend last night and it encouraged me because i haven't been able to be real with that many people this year. so, friend, thanks! you encourage me. =)

okay, i'm gonna go now so i'm not typing away when the mom gets back from work to bring me home. buh bye!

posted by Laura @ 2:56 PM 0 comments

so i got my soc psych exam score back. an A. phew! so worried for a while there. although that is quite unlike me. i think it's just cuz of that darn C-. makes me all doubting and worried for no reason. hopefully i'll keep up the A trends and not so much the C trends.

so the debate of the day was whether or not to go to my 2 o'clock class. it's 2:17. guess what i decided? this is like the third week in a row i've skipped friday. i guess i'm just unmotivated cuz 9 times out of 10 i fall asleep. what's the point? i say. there being none, i don't feel as guilty for skipping. bleh.

nichole nordeman is AMAZING. i finally got to sit down with the lyrics and listen while reading. it's incredible how every single song touched me and how every single word was so simple yet profound. how does she do it? i am amazed, it is such a testimony to see how much she really gets it, and how well she can express it through so gosh darn GREAT music. i wanted to put some of her lyrics up here... maybe i'll do that another day.

i am so thrown off that it's already the end of the week. it feels like it should be wednesday instead. although i had my four-hr friday morning so it does feel like friday now. but i think i'm a little disoriented. fall break should be on thursday and friday. makes me think more like it's just one long weekend, instead of a weekend, and then two missing random days. i dunno. anyway, i'm not complaining. fall break is fall break. and there's only SEVEN weeks of this semester left! at four weeks into the semester i was thinking how slowly it was going by... but now i'm a little worried that there's only seven weeks left! imagine what i will need to think about in december! i'll need a major by then. gosh, laura, get it together!

speaking of majors, however, last night i went to the org studies info meeting. too bad, i didn't really hear anything i didn't already know. but i guess it was good to go to. i feel like i'm taking action. the plan of action at the moment is to contact the concentration advisor next week, ask her questions about what kind of essay they're looking for, and finish the essay by next weekend. then if it needs tweaking, i'll still have a week. i think the biggest thing i'm worried about is just not getting accepted. i suppose this fear is a result of being rejected from the bschool last spring. although, i feel much more excited about this program than i felt about bschool. so maybe that will have some kind of effect on the effort i put into my application. in any event, i will know all of this by the end of november i think. so that doesn't give me a lot of time. it's scary how i have to make such big decisions this semester. i guess it will be good to just get this all done with. i'll feel so much better once it's all taken care of.

last night we had core again. i must say my attitude now is apathy. i mean, it's not 100%... there is a part of me that would like to change things. but i dunno... when we had sharing time, i talked about how i'm applying to alternative spring break. but there still is the problem of how i feel towards ccf. i'm not sure asb would change my attitude twoards ccf, it would just give me another way to release my feelings and energy instead of pouring so much into ccf. we were discussing whether or not we feel like people are taking care of each other in our fellowship. and you know, i honestly haven't felt taken care of since freshman year. that seems wrong. you'd think it would increase as you get older in the fellowship. it's definitely gotten worse. and then, we were asked, are we working to take care of other people? i dunno. i think i've been trying. but how are you supposed to take care of people when you don't feel taken care of yourself? you can't give more than you have. i guess that's how i feel. it must be worse among other people if i'm a leader and i feel this way already. it seems like such a perpetual cycle. i guess it's my faithlessness that doesn't see any way out of our problems. this is why i have felt apathetic. i think what i hold on to are the people that are constant in my life. my family, my girls... that's about it. there are very few people here at school whom i feel i have a consistent and stable relationship with. that's really sad. i've been here two and a half years and my relationships with people have just gotten worse and fewer. why is that? do other people feel this way or is it just me?

i feel selfish sometimes when i think of how i feel. like last week when i was crying and really distressed. i wondered if i was just being selfish and if i just needed to tough it up and get over myself. but i really feel like if i'm feeling this way, then my being able to serve God and serve other people is severely impaired. right? i want to be effective and useful for God, i truly do. but things often seem hopeless. what can i do where i am to influence people? to spread the vision?

i wonder what would happen if one day i just decided not to do what people expect me to do. i mean, it's taken for granted that i'll just take care of that extra stuff. would anyone even care? i dunno if i could bring myself to step down. like i said before, a lot of my motivation comes from needing to be connected. i just don't know how that will be possible if i'm not actively serving. i think that's crap. that means all those people that are not titled leaders probably feel disconnected. so who DOES feel connected? not me, not them. what is wrong? have we strayed so much from what God intended for us that everything has gone awry? anyway, i'm starting to vent here. i'll stop.

okay, i feel guilty that i'm blogging instead of going to class. maybe i'll go be productive. :Þ

posted by Laura @ 2:39 PM 0 comments

well, it's back to school. i'd say fall break was pretty good. it's weird that it's already wednesday. msu was good fun, although i was extremely tired the whole weekend. we got some good practicing done for coffeehouse, and les miserables was AMAZING. love that musical. sigh. i just wanna sing all day now. haha, of course i would sound so nasty compared to the ppl on stage. they were just amazing. eponine is my hero. haha. everyone likes her better than cosette. it's cuz she has the most popular song in the whole play! anyway, i got to chill at home for a couple days too which was very nice. i watched a lot of tv. that's always fun. let me tell you, that monsters inc. dvd is crazy! it has SO much stuff on it. i didn't even get through half of it and i was already sitting there for like 2 hours maybe. goodness. it was interesting though. i watched life as a house too. that was very good. so sad. oh, and i went shopping on tuesday and i got the new nichole nordeman cd! it's awesome! she's so cool. okay, well i think that's about it. now it's back to studying and busy-ness and craziness. oh joy. :Þ anyway, that's enough babble for now i'd say. sorry this was so darn boring. wait, no one reads this! oh yay. okay bye!

posted by Laura @ 11:57 AM 0 comments

i'm pretty tired. i slept four hours at the lock-in, in two shifts of two hours each. so it was like two naps. yuck. -_- i think later i'm gonna crash. i'm doing okay right now actually. i'll probably fall asleep on the way to msu. at least i don't have to drive there. anyway, the lock-in was pretty fun. i got to talk to a lot of people i hardly see much less talk to during the week. even at large groups i never get much of a chance to hang out with people. i don't think i like big group settings. the lock-in was good though... mad props to tiffany who did an amazing job! that girl is so organized. heehee, yes and that is my former roommate, thank you very much! as if i should be taking any credit. anyway, yeah i think it went very well. my testimony went okay. i thought i babbled too much but people said i was clear in my points. so... yeah i just hope that people will be moved to think about it more instead of just be like yeah yeah okay that's nice. ya know? anyway, thinking about alaska was pretty weird... it feels like so long ago. but then, it's really such a nice warm feeling, like... nostalgic. i miss it a lot. i was sharing how life just seemed so meaningful when we were all there together as a family, serving God and working together. the fellowship was so amazing. i guess that kind of has to do with my feeling disconnected and unenthusiastic these days, in regards to ccf. but anyway, the lock-in was good, and i'm glad i got to spend time with my fellowship. it's been a really long time. anyway, i'm getting ready to leave for msu for the weekend. it should be a lot of fun. i always appreciate spending time with the girls. i think no matter how many friends i have here they're just always going to have this special reserved spot in my heart. (can we get an "awwwww...." heehee!) so anyway, enuf of the cheese. i better sign off and get ready. don't wanna keep them waiting! alright, byee!

posted by Laura @ 2:13 PM 0 comments

hmm, so i got a C- on my third grade of the semester. what a shot to the self esteem. :Þ oh well. hopefully i'll do well on everything else in that class. bleh. i'm sure i'll get over it soon. i think that's the lowest grade i've gotten on anything ever. well, no i got a D on a final exam one time. yuck. letters past A and B are so unaesthetically (sp?) pleasing. haha. yeah, i know, i sound like such a snob. okay i'll stop.

so last night was pretty rough. i ended up breaking down and crying at core. i wasn't even intending to share about how i've been feeling lately, but then kathy asked me so i said that i've had a hard time finding joy in serving. and then i felt kinda dumb cuz she asked if anyone else had been feeling that way and it seems like everyone else is having such a great time doing what they do. then i guess i felt alone just then. like no one knew what i was going through. i think people were shocked. i guess i was kind of upset that no one had noticed before, and then now all of a sudden they care... when they had never shown they cared before. i dunno. i have mixed feelings. i know that i need to be more open with people, but i also know that i am just naturally introverted, and i'm not gonna go sharing my life with people who don't show interest. anyway, i guess it was a step just to publicly admit that i've been feeling that way. i mean, i've talked about it with like one or two people and i didn't realize that wasn't enough. i was just suppressing so many emotions and it just built up to releasing it through crying and everything. i'm kind of embarrassed that i cried in front of everyone. i don't usually cry, like EVER. so i guess it must have been way more than i thought. i dunno... like on the surface... i think i can deal with ccf stuff. but then deep down i am really not getting any fulfillment or satisfaction from doing what i do. it just seems like such a plain job, that anyone could do, and that no one really notices. i'm always torn between feeling overlooked and underappreciated, and realizing that some people have to do those jobs, and that people like us need to remind ourselves that we serve God and not man. i dunno, i guess i just feel like no one understands. no one in ccf is in the same position as me. sigh... i could probably go on about all of this. but i dunno... sometimes it is easier to just not deal with it, to ignore it. i will be curious as to how the rest of core will behave towards me now that they know how i've been feeling. i guess either way i don't think i'll be happy. if they show they care, i'll resent the fact that they never did before and now they are just because i cried and broke down. if they dont' show they care, well, obviously that would make me feel bad too. i dunno, i guess it's selfish of me to want everyone to be sensitive to my needs. everyone has their own problems. anyway, i don't know how much better i felt about releasing my emotions last night. i guess i just feel so alone. i think it made me realize that i have very few real friends here, but even if they're few, that's enough. i need to hold on to that, and stop having that need to feel loved by all these people. ya know?

anyway, i think i've said enough about that. i guess i'll keep you updated if anything changes. i dunno, i can't decide how to go about handling this. like, i don't think my ccf job will be any more interesting no matter how i view it. so maybe that means i need a change of action. i'm learning about this in psych. i have cognitive dissonance because on the one hand i'm doing this mundane job, but i don't like it really, but i have committed to it and have the desire to serve. so either i change my attitude towards the job, or i change the job. or convince myself that there is something really worthwhile in continuing things the way they've been going. i dunno. i guess i haven't studied enough. i don't know what i'm talking about.

alright, i better go study. it's FALL BREAK! praise God for fall break, i'm so ready to get out of here! three hours to go and then it's lock-in time! hopefully that will go well. alright, i'm outtie. byee!

posted by Laura @ 2:48 PM 0 comments

i got my first two grades of the semester today. a B+ and an A! yay! that makes me happy. i wasn't ever really worried, but it's nice just to know that my work is paying off. and it's even nicer that tomorrow is my last day of class for five days! whoo! thank God for fall break. i'm gonna be busy, but it will be nice not to have class and to get ouf of ann arbor for a bit. too much ann arbor is not always a good thing.



i was just watching an mtv fight for your rights show about the controversy of sex education in high schools. it makes me wonder... the people around me...a lot of them are probably sexually active and in danger of stds and pregnancy and all that stuff. it's pretty sad. i guess i live in a pretty sheltered life... sex is just not an issue for me. neither is drinking or smoking or all that stuff. i think it's easy for me to just be like, "why do people do things that they know is harmful or dangerous?" but i guess there are people out there that don't care or don't know these dangers. on the show they were saying that there are mixed messages about abstinence and safe sex. if i had it my way, i would definitely advocate abstinence, but it's probably too ideal to venture that everyone would listen and practice abstinence. so then, the people that aren't abstinent, they should know about safe sex. so what do you do? it's just a reminder of how depraved this world has become. how much sin and immorality has penetrated our society. it's like, sex outside of marriage is normal now, it's not condemned like it used to be. that's sad. what a reminder of how much this world needs Jesus!



anyway, i realized that the problems i thought i had haven't been too bad lately. well, there's always gonna be discomfort and frustrations, but i think i was making it worse than it really was. i have to keep in mind that i can only be completely content with God, and nothing else will matter, whether or not i have this or that... all that i really need to know is that God loves me. it sounds cliche, but i do believe it's the only way to stay truly joyful.



the other issue has been lingering in my mind, but it hasn't been dominating. so praise God for that. i think i just need to keep my priorities straight, and to know God's timing is perfect. so often we forget! we always seem to want things now, we can't possibly imagine that God would have us wait because it's not the right time yet. i think God's been gracious in working me through that lately.



alright, that's enough of my babble for now. til next time!

posted by Laura @ 3:46 PM 0 comments

so i have an exam in less than an hour. did i study enough? hmm, i don't know. i guess i've been doing okay at staying ahead. haven't had to do any cramming. i tried to review this afternoon but got really bored. does that mean i'm prepared? school is so mundane these days. i mean, i guess what i'm learning is interesting, but not interesting enough. i don't think i was ever very stimulated by school subjects. but then, i guess most people have that attitude. for some reason, though, i just feel like academics is not where i want to be focusing. i can't imagine working for a big company at a nine to five job (or longer). it's just not me. i think i used to think i was the executive type, but my indecision has proved wrong. i think my leadership qualities aren't the kind where i take charge and boss people around. i'm much better at quietly doing my own independent thing. i guess that's not very telling of what i should be doing with my life. but ... yeah, blehh, school sucks, to make a long story short. i REALLY should get working on my org. studies application. in fact, i should go and print out the application now, before my exam! i have 45 minutes to go anyway. you know, i still have yet to figure out how to add links and stuff to my blogspot. this is gonna be one boring blogspot, i must say. haha, that's ok though. it's for my eyes only. =) hmm... okay better go now. don't want to be late for my exam!

posted by Laura @ 5:15 PM 0 comments

wow, isn't this just so momentous? i started a blogspot. of course, this will be private and no one will read this unless i want them to. i guess we'll just see what happens from here on in. k? alrighty, here it goes!

i guess i was annoyed at how many people had blogspots and i didn't want to be like everyone else, but sometimes i have this urge to write down stuff and my diary isn't always convenient. i have this habit of writing at night and then i get sleepy. so i thought maybe this might be helpful to record my insights during the day. so.. yeah we'll see. heehee. i feel kind of silly cuz i don't know how this works yet. who knows? maybe i'll add it to my website some day. we'll see.

i don't have much to say tonight. i tried very hard to study for my exam that's tomorrow night. i feel ready but then i'm kind of worried. the prof said his first exam is always a harsh reality... soo... yeah we'll see. it seems that the work at school just never ends! blehh, i don't like that. if i could have it my way, i would spend all my time doing my scrap book, working on my websites...singing with the girls... writing in my diary and spending quality time with God and God's people. (ie: my friends.) i would say those are the things that give me joy these days. although, i guess i've been feeling pretty distant from people lately. i suppose i need to work on that. anyway, i'm babbling! this is exactly the thing that happens in my diary. i end up just completely babbling about nothing. anyway, at least no one will be reading this! that's comforting. okay, that's it from me for now!

posted by Laura @ 11:52 PM 0 comments